Why She Didn't Respond To Your Message

One of the most frustrating aspects of online dating, particularly for men, is the fact that so many first emails are never answered. What's the deal? Why won't she respond? What am I saying or doing wrong? These are the questions a lot of men are asking. This is by no means a comprehensive list of reasons a woman might not respond, because after all, we're women. We're complicated. One person cannot sit down and describe for you every possibility - but these are the main factors that determine whether a woman will respond to a man's first message on a dating site.

First of all, please know that many dating sites (such as eHarmony) keep dating profiles online and visible long after the person has discontinued their membership. This is extremely aggravating to most of us, as we find profile after profile of interesting, attractive people... who are no longer single or "on the market". This is more common on the paid sites. On the free sites, like plentyoffish and OkCupid, members are able to hide or remove their profiles when they are no longer single or interested in dating. So keep that in mind. It is often the case that you are not being ignored, but that the person is no longer actually on that site.

Aside from the possibility that a woman is simply no longer on the site or interested in dating, most of the time her reason for not responding to your email is quite simple. This is good news, because some of these things can be fixed. Others cannot, but hopefully after reading this you will better understand the lack of responses.

First of all, your profile picture is the single most important piece of information you can share. Sure, women are generally more interested in the whole person than what he looks like. However, your picture is the first thing she sees, and if it turns her off or sets off alarms in any way, she will probably not respond. She won't even look at your profile to see how otherwise wonderful you are! The main thing men do wrong here is, they upload pictures that do not show their faces clearly. If your eyes are covered up or you are wearing a mask, we wonder if you have something to hide. Please remember that dating can be dangerous for women - if you don't look trustworthy we are unlikely to even make contact.

Second, those shirtless "look at my body" pictures absolutely scream, "I am just a player and looking to score". That's fine for that "adult friend finder" website, or perhaps if you really are only looking to score. If you seriously want to date and find a relationship, however, do not put those pictures on your profile!

The third major faux-pas is posting a ton of pictures of yourself surrounded by women and/or partying and drinking. It's fine to show that you're a fun-loving guy, but more than one picture like this and we will assume, once again, that you are a party boy/player/male whore/alcoholic. Most of us are looking for a man we can take seriously.

Finally, those who do not have a profile picture at all are very often ignored. There are thousands of married men using dating sites to get some side action, and the vast majority of us are suspicious when there is no profile picture. It can also throw up red flags for safety reasons. If at all possible, please put up at least one picture. Occasionally a man is a police officer, teacher, or someone in a public position that prohibits his posting a picture online. That's understandable, but it is going to drastically reduce your number of responses.

I could go on and on, but instead of telling you everything that could possibly be wrong with your profile picture, I'll just offer you this advice: Put up at least one picture of your face, your entire face, and nothing but your face. Try not to look angry in the picture (some of you think this is your sexy bedroom face. It is not. Just look pleasant and/or happy). Second, put up at least one full length picture with all your clothes on. Third, don't take those cheesy pictures of yourself in the mirror. Fourth, try a few pictures that show you doing things you love - on your boat, hiking in the woods, whatever. That shows personality. Just keep the drunken bar shots out of it.

If your picture isn't horrendous or frightening, another major reason women aren't responding is because your message is - well, it blows. Women, in general, are more picky about spelling and grammar than men. This is not to say you have to be Shakespeare in the first email, but please know the difference between "you're and your". Fifty, and I am serious, fifty percent of the messages I receive contain the phrase, "your beautiful". I do not respond to these. Ever. Most of my single friends feel the same way.

Aside from the you're/your fiasco, horrible spelling, use of gangsta slang, run-on sentences that are impossible to decipher, and overly short messages are common culprits. You don't have to write the lady a novel, but take the time to read her profile and mention a few things that you have in common, or ask a question or two about her. It's much harder to ignore a man who obviously put in some effort. It also makes her feel as if you are actually interested in her in particular, rather than being one of 37 women you sent messages to that day. Don't cast such a wide and shallow net; choose a smaller net and cast it deep. Finally, in regard to first emails, if we get the idea that you are only interested in us for our looks (sexual interest), you will turn her off. Those "Hey, you're hot" emails are not appealing, unless of course you are strictly on a sex partner website.

What if you have great profile pictures and you're sending out well-worded, thoughtful emails and women still aren't responding? This is generally due to a problem I call Statistics. She wasn't frightened by your profile picture, and your message didn't send her running for the hills, so she clicked into your profile - and you know what we do next? Each woman has a very precise idea of what she wants in a man (sometimes this is problematic and stupid of us, but I'll direct another article at the women later. This one is about you). So the first thing she looks at are all those statistics on the top of your profile - height, body type, location, do you want children, occupation, "looking for", whether you smoke, whether you drink, religion, and so on. Something in there just isn't right for her. Some non-smokers only want to date non-smokers. Some women don't want to date a man who drinks. A friend of mine only wants to find a man whose religion is the same as hers. Another friend only likes "thick" men. Another friend only likes thin men. I personally do not enjoy long-distance relationships. Single mothers don't want to bother with a man who has no children and states, "does not want children". Some women without children wish to remain that way, and therefore don't want a man who has kids or desires them. It goes on and on. Most of these things you cannot change, and that is okay. While it is understandably frustrating for you, what this woman really did was save you both a lot of time (and possibly, heartache). She also saved you some money - no point in driving two hours to another town and taking a woman out for a steak dinner, only to have her inform you that she doesn't want to date a man who is Jewish, only dates vegetarians, dislikes liberals, or can't tolerate social drinking.

Online dating can be frustrating and even downright maddening. To ensure your best chances of success, put up your most flattering pictures, send thoughtful and well-worded messages to women who truly interest you, and tell the truth when answering all those silly little questions. While you may not have fast results or receive dozens of messages per day, the women you do meet will be the ones who are most compatible and truly interested.